JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
