you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
