i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
