Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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