Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
