my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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