people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
