I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
