I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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