so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
