Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
