I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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