I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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