Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
