Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
