If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
