she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
