Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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