Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
