I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
