I am in a vortex of obligation.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
