dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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