I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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