In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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