Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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