I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
