If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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