also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
