I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
