I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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