I hate your face
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
