His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
