in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
