Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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