She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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