You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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