Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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