Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
