it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
