god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
