In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
