I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
