I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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