I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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