if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
