I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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