I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
