So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
