Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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