omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i've created a new STD.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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