Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
