I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
