I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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