I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
