Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
