I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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